the kids are all right

double mint cold to soothe your mortal bones


I got a face potion on, hair potion on, hand cream giving my formaldehyde-abused hands some much-needed reprieve and I’m taking a little study break.

Adjusting to this sort of a study routine and this vast a coursework is difficult, and I didn’t do the best in the series of tests we have every week, but I did pass in all of them so I’m hanging on. By my fingertips, sure, but still.

I had some bad couple weeks a week ago; I got sick one Monday and missed a test and an entire day of class and that gave me a lot of anxiety and it was just a lot of ‘hey maybe I’m not cut out for this’ and I felt like everybody else wasn’t having as difficult a time keeping up, but friends are good. Friends make you realize that you’re not in this alone, and everybody feels like everybody else is doing much better than they are and it’s normal.

There’s a learning curve to this whole thing because school was mostly messing around and now I’m studying things I actually want to be studying which means I have to put in an effort now, which is something I’d forgotten how to do, and I’m allowed to take my time. When things seem like they might be getting too much, I remind myself that grades aren’t everything and I shouldn’t place my self-worth on my academic performance. I could be a terrible, boring, untalented, unkind person and still ace the exams.

Another thing about college is that you can’t help but feel a little insignificant–just because there’s just so many people and the professors are still only getting to know you and it’s very different from the sort of atmosphere high school had where everybody knew everyone and you felt like you were heard. Not that the teachers aren’t always available and willing to listen if you do approach them, but I did feel a little alienated. I’m going to college halfway across the country from where I grew up in, and the kids here are different, and while I have a solid group of friends, I still do sometimes feel like a stranger on the outside looking in. But I felt that way when we first moved in the 8th grade as well and then I made some of the best friends I’ve ever had and we’ve stayed together for 5 years so I’m guessing that feeling will pass.

Speaking of things that will pass, time is going by so fast. I haven’t painted or really written anything these past two months even though I keep telling myself I will on some weekend. I have classes 6 days a week, and then Sundays off, but I have a test on a different subject every Monday so the weekend feels more like a study leave but I’m managing. I pulled an all-nighter this week and then got maybe 3 hours of sleep for 3 consecutive days because I had an Anatomy part-completion examination on Friday and all the tests are held alongside regular workdays so you have to keep up with the daily portions while studying for these, and even though the test didn’t go very well, I’m okay with that because I did as much as I could and there’s always the next test to do better in.

I then slept for a solid 8 hours last night, so this past week has been good.

We have our first semester exams just before Christmas, and then I get 3 whole days off where I don’t have to study anything before we start with the second semester and I’m very excited for that. I’m also super excited for the 3 months long break we’ll get at the end of the first year after the university exams as well. Its only like 7 months away.

So, yeah I had a rough patch briefly and I’m kind of struggling with time management and someone gets yelled at, at least once every day, but there are also girls who swoop in and put your hair up before the teacher notices when it comes undone while you dissect, and frantic, collective, last minute gross anatomy diagram prep an hour before submission that makes you feel so good once it’s done on time and you can all laugh at all the silly panicking, and hanging out with people you don’t even really know post-exams on the top floor, laughing and bonding over shared sleep-deprivation, staring at the trees and blue rooftops and feeling like the only people in the entire world.

The only thing I’m really worried about is feeling like all my youth is going to be spent on tests and classes because and I’m not going to be drawing or painting or writing until I’m suddenly 32 and wondering where it all went. But I’m sure once things settle down, I will learn how to juggle academics with my more creative pursuits (which currently have been relegated to the occasional hurried verse at the back of a notebook between classes, and sub-par pencil sketches) and everything will be okay.

Getting all that out felt nice. I shall now go and shower and then prepare for the biochem exam I have tomorrow.


Study Burn-Out. And Battling It

Listicles have always fascinated me. They’re fun, precise and satisfying. The times I have written lists haven’t always been the best because I normally write lists when everything is all too overwhelming and I need some semblance of order and control and detached rationality.

But I got up at 5 today morning for no apparent reason and I was in the mood. And my dad gave me this talk yesterday about overworking myself and becoming a workaholic later on in life like he did and how he really does regret it. So, um, here:

Signs you’re dying inside. Drowning amidst hydrophilic molecule heads and bond angles and Newton’s laws and coherent sources and revolution volumes and radians and argumentative essays  and integration and vector forces and kinematics and primary and secondary alcohols and Tollen’s reagent and translocation and Pascal’s triangle (or whatever it’s called) and parallelogram laws and killer cells and memory cells and tuberculosis symptoms and AIDS incidence and STAHP. Stop.

  1. Exhaustion. Even if you take a day off and do nothing, absolutely nothing except sleep and loiter around, you’re tired. Always.

  1. Sleep Paralysis. This technically comes under exhaustion since it is usually caused by it. For those of you who don’t know what sleep paralysis is, it happens when you fall asleep or as you wake up. Your mind is awake and trying to get your body to move, but your body decides to throw a tantrum and not show up for work and is still in shut down mode. It is terrifying. Basically your body is in rest mode because it is too exhausted to even be able to move a finger but your mind is wide awake, calculating, planning, thinking and slowly going into panic mode because WHY AM I NOT MOVING?! That nightmare you have about running in slow motion while being chased by bloodthirsty monsters who want to gouge your eyeballs out and dip them in candy while you sit writhing in pain? It’s like that, except worse because this is actually happening. Hallucinations are also a thing for extreme cases.

  1. Lack of motivation. Perhaps you started out strong. Foolishly optimistic, steadily gaining momentum, finishing half a subject in one day and actually even remembering it. And then being excited about diving back into it the next day. Well no more o’ that darling, no more o’ tha’! It’s not that you dread studying; it’s just that you see no reason for it. It’s too—for lack of a better word–blah. Because you started out too strong.


  1. Disenchanted. With everything. That doesn’t mean you’re in a perpetual state of melancholy and that you find no joy in any aspect of life. You’re just neutral when it comes to most things because even though you have no motivation to study, you still want to (but don’t at the same time ya’ know?)   and all you can think about is how productive this hour would be if you were studying instead of making stupid lists no one even wants to see. And that takes the fun out of whatever it is that you are doing.


  1. Sleep deprivation. Because you foolishly stay up nights in wild hopes of somehow ending up actually studying. This of course leads to point #1: exhaustion.


  1. Cat lady behavioural problems. Except worse because you don’t even have cats. You sit in your room all day and honestly dread going out because it is such a waste of time and you could be doing so many other important things. Important things that you don’t even end up doing because #3. Your social life takes a turn for the worse and even your family starts thinking of you as a mythological creature whose existence they can’t entirely be sure of, and whose sightings are cast away as tricks of the mind due to them being extremely rare in nature. You hiss at sunlight. Your eyes have grown so used to the tube light in your room that it can’t handle natural light unless it is muted by layers and layers of rainy day clouds. No dude, seriously.

   Well with a name like Tiddles, it should’ve known she was never on them to begin with.

  1. Weight in your chest. You don’t actually notice it, really. Until it is momentarily lifted when you do something stimulating (besides studying, that is) like writing or dancing—and the relief is sweet and welcome until it settles back in without you even noticing. And there it sits until it is temporarily lifted again.

 Now of course these aren’t “scientific” signs or anything. Mainly just from personal experience.

Dealing with it:

  1. Relax. I know. I know how stupid that sounds and I know how impossible it is, but really, relax. It’s okay. You’ll do it.


  1. Do Something You Like For The Sake Of Doing It. Don’t think about what you should be doing or exactly how many minutes of your day you’re wasting, just do it. It’ll make you feel good enough for you to actually be motivated enough to work Best of both worlds.


  1. It’s okay to have a lazy day. You don’t have to be productive every minute of every day. You’re human. In six months the test you’re stressing about won’t even matter. Probably.


  1. Dance. Even if you’re not a dancer and mostly look like you’re having a seizure on the dance floor. Turn off the big lights, lock the door, put on the music and dance. Just jump around until you’re exhausted. But this time it’ll be the good kind of exhausted: the physically stimulating, endorphin-releasing kind. And you don’t have to worry about clocking in your workout that day while tackling studies. Honestly people, just do it. I really don’t mean this in the spiritual, soul-freeing sense (like, ew); your heart will beat faster, feel-good hormones will be released and you will actually end up being more productive that day because you’ve gotten all the restlessness out.

  I said lights off

  1. Go Out For Ice Cream. You’re probably supposed to be doing that English assignment but do it anyway. Nothing will make you feel better than frozen sugar and milk and diabetes on a stick. Even if you hate having to dress up, go out for ice cream. Taking the pack out of the fridge isn’t the same thing. Get out you lazy bum.

  1. Read. Every one once in a while, even if it is impossible to limit yourself to 3 chapters. You deserve an adventure after 2 hours of studying (even if 45 minutes of it was purely study breaks)


  1. Which reminds me: take study breaks. 6 minutes every 20 minutes. And do something nice in those 6 minutes, don’t just think about past failures and then feel guilty about the break.


  1. Make a schedule. Even if you don’t follow it, the act of making it makes you feel better about yourself and optimistic about your future.

 I’m in no way qualified to give out advice, but this has helped me and I wanted to make a list. Because they calm me down and help me process.

Yours Truly,


PS. The WordPress Gods tell me I’ve crossed 100 followers…whaaaaaaaaa–? Last I remember is being excited about reaching 30 subscribers. So, well thank you 🙂  I know I should play it cool and mature and act like it’s no big deal, because it isn’t and it doesn’t really matter how many followers you have–it’s about simply writing. But I’m still grateful for all you misguided fools out there actually reading this crap.

But..But I Thought–

Remember that warm and fuzzy time when I decided I was going to “work dammit” and ace all my exams and my sheer academic awesomeness would give me literal wings to fly so high that even the sky wouldn’t be the limit?

Yeah …not happening.

It’s been about a month since I set out with my highlighters and brand new notebooks, and so far, I’ve barely finished the Physics syllabus. Don’t even get me started on Maths…I love maths, I do, but lately (having been unable to attend a couple classes), I’m kind of lost with the new concepts, and rather than tackle that mountain, I kept putting it off, saying I would find time later…Exams begin next week. I got desperate enough to get a math tutor, but after a couple of classes he was suddenly taken ill (I suspect nothing of the sort) and so I’m back at square one. Anyone know any places where I can get some help with trigonometry?


And Mechanics. What am I going to do?? (I rarely use double punctuation here, and you should know that the fact that I am right now means I am currently at a very dark place I see no escape out of)

Okay breathe…I think I forgot how to breath. OhdearlordwhatamIgoing todo?

I know: stay up all night and watch Nazi Germany documentaries! This would be helpful if I still took History, but I can barely manage my 5 AS Levels and as much as it pained me, I had to drop History. And Literature. Literature hurt even worse—has anyone read Continuum by Allen Curnow? I love that poem and analysing it was heaven. I miss analysing literature and debating interpretations…

I know this isn’t a very interesting post (but then again, those are accidental and far between) But I said I would post updates. Also worrying about stuff means I can put off actually DOING it. Yes yes, all very convenient.

I haven’t gone out in a long time…Its either trying to study (I said, trying) or TV marathons or scrolling Word press. I downloaded a site blocker and that has helped with my productivity some. But being the intelligent creation that I am, it wasn’t long before I figured out a way to dupe the site blocker and now there is no stopping me…Half my troubles are self-inflicted really. And the other half, have mostly to do with the impending Dolphin Invasion, but more on that later…

It’ll be two o’clock soon. Looks like I’ll be pulling an all-nighter to get my work done according to schedule (I’m already about 2 days behind) I’m not among those traitorous, misleading con artists who say they have done “absolutely nothing”  and trick you into a false sense of security, only for you to find out later that by ‘nothing’ they mean they hadn’t revised that 3rd time—no when I panic academically, I have every reason to do so. But I wish I was among the traitorous, misleading, lucky few.

But better late than never, right? 8 hours from now, I’ll wish I had started working right now (like I wish I had started working seriously 2 weeks ago)

This is not who I want you to see

It’s just adding on weight to the darkness in me


Isn’t it just fantastic when words like that speak right to your black, emo heart?

Yours Truly,


Nerdrangers Assemble!

So here we are now, 8 months since my last boards and 5 months away from my next. I don’t plan on going down the same dark alley as I did the last time I was faced with Very Important Examinations That Decide On The Course Of Your Life (V.I.E.T.D.O.T.C.O.Y.L) , so this time around I’m going to work dammit! And not spend nearly as much time on Pinterest and Buzzfeed (sniff oh the horror..however will I survive???)

I came across this blog written by a very motivated high-schooler with a penchant for awakening your inner over-achiever-optimist and so have decided to….


Join the A* Grade challenge.

a challenge

What is the A* grade challenge, you ask? (Yes, yes I know…let’s just pretend you’re actually interested in this personal update that has no impact whatsoever on your life and is doing nothing to alleviate your boredom right now)

Well it’s a challenge to score A* in all your subjects in the A Levels. I’ll be giving my AS Levels this year and the highest grade is A and I need to secure those grades to make sure I pass with enough credentials to get into a decent college and make something of myself. Unless I get A, getting A* in A Levels will be next to impossible since the final grades of A Levels is an accumulation of your grade 11 and 12 results. (Grade 11 being AS and 12 being A Levels)

Am I boring you? I’m boring you right now, aren’t I? Well my enthusiasm tends to fizzle out and I decided I would post updates to keep myself motivated. Public-shaming can be quite the motivator…even if you do have to suffer through more of these posts

So here’s where I am right now:

  • Colourful highlighters—-check.
  • Textbooks in place—-check
  • New notebooks to make notes of my own all over again—-sadly, check.
  • Extra notes off the internet—-check
  • Sticky notes on desktop to remind me to get back to studying—-check
  • Initial enthusiasm—-check
  • Pen, pencil, eraser and ruler—-check
  • Intense longing to just give up and go play Assassin’s Creed—–double check

Except for that last part right there, I think I’m pretty much set. Maybe this will help. It better help. All that I did the past 3 days was one chapter of organic chemistry and stare at my bio textbook and physics notes. I had started out this month with optimistic expectations of finishing one chapter from each subject each day…but well, that didn’t exactly work out.

And that was when I saw a new post by Sanam (you know, the previously mentioned motivational high-schooler?) and figured, hey! If it works for her, it could for me. And so was born the cyber-incentive, i.e, posting my progress on a social media. Which is exactly what I plan to do.

Anyway, I’m sorry about the snooze-worthy post, but I needed this to be out there. Even though no one cares.

Yours Truly,

sc edited