Or Burn This Out

 

large

I’m not lazy. I’m not.

But how do you explain to someone you can’t manage normal life when you can barely even dredge up the motivation to breathe, or eat; or not be so miserable you’ve crossed the point of comfort and simply rearranged atoms to make space until it’s firmly woven into you.

How do you even begin to tell somebody you can’t even manage to regulate your own happiness, that you haven’t been able to do that for years, that every time it comes back, it’s a little stronger and a lot more familiar and not any less easier.

“I’m sad” sounds equal parts overdramatic and gross understatement and so so silly but it’s the truth and how do you tell someone you feel like an absolute failure for it but you just can’t right now, you can’t.

How do you even hate yourself a little less? Cut yourself some slack? ‘Cause you can see it logically  sure, but mind and practice are two different things and both are out of commission lately and you need to get it together, this is an important year but you can’t. You’ve barely been holding it together for 3 months and then the universe decides to go ahead and screw you over a little more as if you need any more reason to be pathetic and sad and pathetic and it is so silly it’s laughable–if every laugh didn’t sound forced and fake and empty, like you were shredding up your lungs just to torture it into giving up that basic, basic sound.

Tone down the self-loathing, man. It gets old.

Anyway, point is all of it sounds like I’m just making excuses but I’m not. I want to be able to just function and I want to not be such a flipping mess, and I want  to be able to explain it to you in terms less weak and confusing. But I can’t.

I can’t get out of bed, and it’s such a fricking cliché, and I can’t find it in myself to care, I can’t keep telling myself this isn’t happening and that I’m good when I can feel it heavy and thick and blistering all around me and it’s so amazingly pitiful and I am so done.

I say sad and I say miserable but there are different kinds, like when your dog dies and it sucks but that kind of sadness is one that grows inside you, born of healthy feelings and normal responses, warm and not nearly as self-destructive and then there is the kind that descends over you like a blanket that you wrap around yourself in ways you can’t remember later until it feels like it’s just spun itself into your skin, a physical barrier between you and everything around you, filtering out everything until all that’s left is shades of muted grey and crimson–and why crimson where does that even come from and grey is such a fricking cliché — and it’s foreign and alien and familiar and what does one even say to that.

It is so messed up to describe any sort of sadness as flippin’ “warm” of all things but I speak in relative terms. It’s warm in the way the lump that surges up in your throat eventually goes away, and your eyes may be scratchy but you feel like you’ve been scrubbed clean, like there is a new day and the last one sucked, sure, but this one doesn’t have to. It’s warm in the way that you don’t find yourself drained and empty and pathetic, but just upset and exhausted while being secure in the knowledge that it’s temporary. It’s warm in a way the other kind of sadness isn’t, in a way that doesn’t leave you satisfied and avenged when you don’t eat or get out of bed or attempt to make things better for yourself. It’s warm in a way that doesn’t compel you to self-sabotage in ways nobody else notices.

The other kind is just plain cruel. Shaky hands and dim rooms and self-loathing.

I’m not lazy, I’m not making excuses, I’m just incredibly, terribly off.

(And I am sorry, I am, but I don’t know how to fix it)

 

Yours Truly,

sign-off

 

P.S I haven’t been around for a while and I apologize for that. I also apologize for coming back just to post this depressing thing but I really needed to just get it out. Thank you for putting up with it.

 

Advertisements

10 thoughts on “Or Burn This Out

  1. Hey. I’m not sure if you’ll see this, or believe it when you do, and I’m not sure what to say to this but I have to let you know. Everyone, and I’m not making this up when I say so, everyone has those moments. When nothing can make you feel better and you just want to stay in bed. But one day you will be able to find it in you to let go and reach out and become better. It won’t be easy. It will be long overdue . But the way you’re feeling right now, it’s temporary. I know it sounds cliche but youll be okay. A lot of things are outside of our control. And even though we spend days or even months on end thinking about how we ruined it, we barely stop to imagine in how many ways we’ve made it better. Theres nothing worse than losig a dog . Except for maybe not having one at all. But then there would be no attachment and no grief so losing the dog on by far the worst thing to happen .but for the tiny dog that you lost, you were the light of its life. Maybe it wasn’t destined to live that long after all. But when it did , I can say with conviction that you made his life better. And zindagi badi honi, chahiye lambi nahi. I know you miss it. I know that to lose something you love is the most crushing feeling , like even breathing is somehow difficult. But trust me, no matter how much it sucks, you won’t always be like that.
    You are the girl who has made life better for so many people in so many ways. You are the poet and artist and dreamer that inspires everyone else to dream as big . You are the thinker that can break down tiny fragments of existence and decipher their meanings. You are the person that supports even strangers when they are at their worst. And even though you have already said that you’re secure in the knowledge that it will pass, let me remind you that you are not done , young lady . You need to see the rainbows and the birds chirping and the magical mystery that causes two people from different parts of the world communicate in real life. You need to look at the lake and the trees and see how even though every thing is ephemeral there are still things that are eternal -like the night sky filled with billions of different galaxies and the tiny dew drops of water that fall off the leaves in the morning. Hug that blanket close to yourself, because the warmth within you isn’t something that you’ve kept to yourself , it is something that you’ve shared with your friends and familyons and strangers and that is a beautiful thing. You deserve a few days off . if you need me I’m there for you . But remember one thing . You are not done. You’ve only gotten started.

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Oh wow, thank you .
      And geez I don’t think half the things you said about me are true, but thanks for saying them anyway. I can’t find a lot to say, because words fail me currently (ha!) but thank you.
      And yeah, I know it’ll pass, I just wish it’d hurry up already 😛
      (and thank you)

      Liked by 1 person

Everybody is entitled to an opinion...

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s