“It’s too perfect. It’s an illusion, it isn’t meant to last.” She had nodded, confidently.
I don’t know why I was thinking about that particular moment right now. Didn’t I have finals or something to prepare for? It was Friday night, I should be out. Perhaps I should call Aiden or Vicky or someone…
…“You know I’m certainly no expert on all things relating to love, but what I do know for certain is it isn’t supposed to be this way. You’re creating this impeccable image and that isn’t what it’s supposed to be about. You don’t want a Superman kind of love. There would be nowhere to go from there, it would already be so flawless–in a boring way, like, it would be a 2-dimensional kind of love; nothing interesting would ever happen! Life isn’t a fairy tale or a movie, and that isn’t just the cynic in me speaking. I do believe in the existence of love. But I think it’s supposed to be ordinary. Not something life-changing, not something that turns your very essence upside down; I think it’s supposed to be so mind-numbingly mundane that you know it’s been a part of you all along. It’s supposed to be simple and effortless–but not easy. It should be something that you know belongs to you. Something normal and extraordinary at the same time. How did you, of all people, manage to end up in this mess?! Are you listening to a word I’m saying or am I just babbling to the trees here?”
I was slathering jam on a piece of bread as we sat out on her balcony. She was lecturing me on my latest relationship mishap. I was trying not to listen and just focus on the conviction in her voice (which was kind of calming) and the rumbling in my stomach. The irony of her lecturing me in matters of the heart when she was generally the eternal skeptic wasn’t lost on me. Swallowing a laugh, I turned around to find her leaning on one foot, hands folded, giving me a serious glare. “Yes, yes I know. Look, can we just not talk about this for now? I’d prefer to just breathe in this cool evening air and eat with my best friend who never shuts up, but who–if there ever was a time–should shut up right now. Please?”
She didn’t say a word, shaking her head at the lost cause that was me, and simply sat down on one of the chairs as I took the one beside her. We’d spent the rest of the evening talking and laughing about my older brothers and their relationships. My self-destructive one slithered in the shadows–the poisonous giant elephant in the room–momentarily rendered harmless for now.
I wish she would barge through my door right now and remind me I was making a mess of my life like she was so wont to do before, whenever I was in the middle of doing something stupid.
I had tried to apologize to her after practically kicking her out of my house yesterday outside the library, but she had taken one look at me, flashed a watery smile and nodded her head almost imperceptibly, before continuing to walk right past me. Wonderful. She couldn’t even care enough to be mad. And that just piled on to the tower of anger-blocks slowly being stacked one above the other in my gut, wobbly and prickly–generally a great inconvenience to everyday life.
That wasn’t fair.
It wasn’t fair how she got to be a full stop where I was an ellipses.