Teen-o-ritis Is A Real Thing Right?

This is not just the drama queen in me speaking. For once.

I’m a textbook case. Of what I have no idea, I just know that I am one. Sometimes when you walk there is a sudden pain in your foot—searing and quick, like the kind you might get from stepping on a pin or a pointy rock—but there isn’t any external or known internal wound to cause it. It’s just a phantom pain with no origin or story, there is just the consequence of going through eye-watering agony as you flex your foot this way and that, trying to work it out. I am a consequence of something. Of something terrible that left me devastated, ‘cept I don’t know what it is.

I mostly just pushed it aside for the past few months, thinking I was just going mental; slowly descending into the abyss of confusion and consequences—the biggest and most painful of all being me and all that I am. I have the trust issues of an abandoned kid, the cynicism of a divorcee, the random thoughts of a bitter, albeit silly, philosopher and the world views of a man whose world was ideal, yet I’m none of those. I’m a normal 16 yr old with a normal family and a normal life. I’m not a bitter person; I don’t expect the worse—really, I don’t. I don’t expect it. I’m optimistic about the things one ought to be optimistic of. I’m scared of things one oughtn’t to be afraid of.

So, I don’t make sense. I don’t understand myself sometimes. I don’t know how to say it, and I never know if I’m making any sense, I just don’t understand myself. I find myself thinking these thoughts that never crossed my mind about things I don’t even know of, and I have no idea who I am, or why I am. I’m a character who has all the personality traits, but no backstory to explain their existence.

People have reasons for being messed up—broken families, broken hearts and broken lives—I have everything bright and shiny. I don’t understand myself. I don’t know why I have trust issues—I like everyone, yes. And I never think about them distrustfully, I just never let them get too close. I’m this person they think I am, except I know that’s not the real me because if it was, then I would be simple and understandable and trusting. I’m not saying I put on a facade, no no, I don’t pretend or act like someone else. The person they know is me. But not, at the same time. I like them and I believe in the goodness of people and all that jazz. I just never get truly close. I feel gratified when something goes wrong, and pray that it doesn’t at the same time. I don’t make sense.

If only it were as easy as that...
If only it were as easy as that…

I’m a result of something. Something meaningful and rational–it’s what I hope for anyway. Because I don’t know me. And it’s not just the usual not knowing who you are as a teenager thing, it’s something else. Something is wrong and I don’t know how to fix it because I don’t know if it counts; I don’t know if any of it is real—really, if all this is just in my head, then that means nothing is wrong, right? But something is. I know it is. I think it is.

'I keep thinking I'm a Big Mac with fries...'
‘I keep thinking I’m a Big Mac with fries…’

I’m a textbook case. Of depression? Anxiety? Teen-o-ritis? No, not any of those. I don’t know what it is. I don’t make sense to myself, I live the life of someone else, think the thoughts of someone else, wish to be something else. I have no story. Nothing to lend me…personality. No hardships, no good luck, just a messy mediocre. I’m a consequence of something important; something that hasn’t happened yet, and perhaps never will.

I think too much.

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6 thoughts on “Teen-o-ritis Is A Real Thing Right?

  1. I found your blog through The Life of a Troubled Teen’s blog, and it really made me laugh! You’re an amazing writer, and I really enjoy reading your posts. I’ve only just started my blog, it would be really cool if you could check it out, but I could only wish to have posts as funny and inspiring as yours :’) This particular post hit a nerve, because I feel exactly the same way and have never been able to put it into words. I am completely average, and whenever there is something wrong, I feel bad because I know there are people much worse off! Anyway, if you’ve got any tips for a novice, they’d be greatly appreciated :’)

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Oh wow…you have no idea how much that means to me–I read the comment a few times over–THANK YOU so much! I will definitely be hopping over to your site. And I completely get what you mean, I always feel like a self-obsessed spoilt brat every time I catch myself thinking about whatever is wrong and then thinking about how bad things all over the world are. But a very kind blogger told me that just because others have problems does not mean yours are any less significant. I’m bowled over by the fact that you would think me inspiring 😀 Thank you. And really, I’m in no position to be giving out tips, I feel like a half blind man stumbling through the gravel myself most of the time…again, thank you! so much!

      Liked by 1 person

  2. You are doing good. clicked on your link from the community pool and your blog is full of personality. so keep it up.
    i like the little things you add that make it special.
    Hopefully you’ll find time to visit mine.

    Liked by 1 person

  3. I think it’s pretty hard to know yourself when you’re young. As you gain more experiences and try new things and people on, you’ll figure out the whys of you. One thing you can do is be true to yourself, your goals, your opinions — that’s what makes a young person strong, and it’s a character trait that stands out for the rest of your life. It takes some people a really long time to “grow up” and some people never do. They’re often miserable alone.
    You won’t be miserable alone because you’re content to talk to yourself – great advantage 🙂
    Maybe the seed of anxiety has been planted, without reason, but then, anxiety doesn’t make sense anyway, so no use fighting it — you can only accept it live with it to get rid of it.

    Liked by 1 person

    1. I’m hoping the whys work themselves out…And anxiety is extremely inconvenient, but I’ve learned to weed out the needless worries–more or less, sort of. Maybe.
      I just hate not knowing stuff, I’m the kind of person who likes to know what goes into the sausage, even if it is something like the fingernails of cat ladies long dead and gone–the never-ending ‘but why?’s annoy quite a lot of people around me 😛
      But I can’t help it. And the fact that I’m unsure of the who’s and why’s of my own existence is eating away at me. But, like you said, maybe time is all I need

      Thanks for stopping by 🙂

      Liked by 1 person

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