You think someone out there sees what we go through and laughs at us? Or cries with us? Or empathises or understands? When you don’t have the words or the energy to explain, you think they still understand? Do they just get it? When you’re hungry and tired and want to curl up into an impenetrable, water repellent ball of plastic, do they just know?
Or do you have to be that person? For someone else. In the hopes that eventually someone will be that for you. Or do you be that person for yourself?
I’m not the calmest of people. I tend to lose it quite a lot and quite spectacularly. Sometimes it’s pretty apparent to other people. I overreact and throw tantrums. Most of it is usually in my head—but sometimes when too many things are going on, I need to make some space to let those sink in and the only way I can do that is let some of the frustration out. Lately, I seem to be doing that more and more. Before, I could go through a complete mental breakdown and manage to get away without anyone noticing. Now, this guy I just happen to work with on one of the projects in school is asking me what’s wrong. And I tell him. Well, part of it anyway. Which gives me a clue as to just how long I have been at the ‘saturation point’. So I’ve decided I’m going to be that person for myself.
I don’t like asking people for help. It’s not because I think it’s a sign of weakness, it’s just that everyone has problems and they don’t need to be worrying about mine. Besides whatever it is that I’m going through eventually passes and I can just completely move on—and if I tell someone else, it’s like they know about that time I went off the tracks and tend to bring it up sometimes (out of concern, of course, as in ‘how are you now?’) and I feel like I’m never going to live it down.
Plus, I’m not exactly very helpful to others when they talk to me about something which is bothering them—I’m pretty clueless when it comes to ‘emotional’ stuff. I don’t know how else to say it. I mean, I deal with things a certain way and apparently I’m the only one who deals with them like that. So if I try to tell someone else to do what I did when they’re going through something similar, they tend to give me a strange look and then pat me on the back, as though saying “It’s okay. It’s not for you. I’ll be fine—just next time, leave these pearls of ‘wisdom’ at the bottom of the sea”
So when I can’t be of any help, it’s unfair to expect everyone else to drop everything for me.
I tend to beat myself up. I never forget my mistakes and I don’t acknowledge the good stuff (I’m always afraid I’m going to come off arrogant or that I’m just being delusional) I remember the first time I forgot to do my homework (when you’re a teenager though, you tend to let those things slide…); I remember all the times I forgot my speech or missed a cue; I remember the insults and the sly jabs. But then again, as do all of us. And maybe it’s time to stop. I never feel enough, you know? There is always something I’m doing wrong. But maybe that’s okay. To err is human and all that.
Until next time,